That... but when you—like in Pryorbu, for example—it might always be the same. In your house, it might always be the same. You will know. You will get a feeling. Feel around in your house where it feels right for you, and when it feels right for you. And, for example, you... and then you go, and then you come back, and you put it in a different place—you will know that this ain't you. You want to go back here. You can see better from this perspective.

And so the most important thing is that when you find the right space for it—and it might take you a few goes at it—you will know it. You will know that, okay, this is where you want to be. And the next time you note, we’ll try and find it, put you there. And then you will feel that this—nah, this is not the right place for you. So then you put furniture in your house. You know where that piece of furniture is suited better. You put it somewhere else—no, no, it’s better here. It’s the same with your altar.

You know that feeling when something doesn't feel right because it's not in its right place. But of course, of course, you can move your altar around with you. But like I said, where you put it—you know if it’s in the right place. You know that feeling that it’s in the right place.

Now, Johanna had a good question to me just before. She said at her place, she's got her son, her husband, and her brother all put together. And now I can't comment on that. I can only say why we don't do that, and we don't mix the living with the dead.

So you... you know, you put your—those people you dedicate onto your altar, those people that you know who really loved you, and you... you loved them. And you put other living people around them. When you look at those photos, how are you looking at that area? Are you sad or... why are you happy? But why are you sad?

Is it because of these... the living that are around? Of course not. They are there because they make you happy and remind you of good times. But you're naturally... um, that might not be the right word. But it's... there’s a memory or an essence of sadness, because that one person or three people that are in all those living photos are not here. And so we don’t mix the living with the dead.

And especially with youth that have been in New Zealand—you know yourself that in umita, you do not see a living person hanging in the gallery there. And that’s also in our homes. And so that’s tikanga for us. You will see that if I had all the photos mixed up and my sister or someone came to visit, they would immediately go and pull them down and remind me why we don’t do that. Or they would look at me like, “You’ve forgotten who you are. You’ve been here too long. You’re breaking all the tikanga.”

And being spoken to like that—that’s the most... hardest thing for us to hear. When someone in your family or in your tribe says, “You’ve forgotten who you are. Who are you trying to be?” That’s more painful than being declined at a bank for a loan.

And so, that’s tikanga for us. And like I said to Johanna, when I came back from New Zealand—while I was in New Zealand, York’s mother gave York a photo of my dad—and when I came back and walked into the house... so we have our kitchen bank there, and a table and a bench here, and the photos were there. And I looked at them and thought, “No.” At first I will ignore this, but then the tikanga was all wrong.

And so I grabbed the photo, and I said to York, “We do not put dead people—or the dead, the ancestors—at the kitchen table or near the kitchen table where we are. They’re participating in our food.” And he said, “Why not? We want to see Koro.”

And I said, “Yes, we can, but not at the table. This is not our tikanga to do that.” And so I took the photo, put it somewhere else. And I said to him—because I really didn’t have the nerves to go through tikanga with them after coming back from New Zealand—I just said, “Please don’t disrespect my tikanga. I don’t need you to believe it, but I need you to respect me. And that is not correct.” Which is okay—he understood.

And so that’s how tikanga looks when it’s not correct. And you know it’s not correct—then you correct it. You correct it. You have to.

I have also a question. Why two pieces? And the stone—can I use also a stone from my house?

Yeah, of course. Of course. It must not be a new one? No, no. But that stone could also be from the river or wherever. A stone is a stone that you dedicate to your altar. Those are just our practice stones that always come to one another. And so it’s for you to practice—so any stone.

But the interesting thing again—when you get into the habit, or the discipline rather (it becomes a habit)—but the discipline of paying attention to your altar and the tools that you have on your altar, you would know if someone’s held your stone. After you’ve picked that up, you know. You become so familiar with the energy of that stone that you know that if someone’s held it, you would know that.

Even if it was unconsciously, they grabbed it and started throwing it around and talking bad without realizing, and you would sense that in your stone, and you wouldn’t want it anymore. And then you... you change it. Then you would change it.

And so you become so familiar—like they’re alive—that when you look at them, you know they become your ancestors. They really become a part of your everyday life. You even start talking to them. I'm home alone, and so I often, if something is difficult, if I'm working with something, I look at my dad, and he knows that look: “These people...” I know you agree with me. And any person would think that I'm crazy. But... and they really become living. And when they’re no longer there or moved out of that space, you will know that. You feel that they're not there anymore, and you want them to come back.

And so be very careful of which ancestor or photos that you dedicate. It doesn’t have to be one. It can be more than one. But as long as those are the ancestors that really supported you, really loved you, really wanted the best for you—that you also had a really good relationship with them. That your relationship wasn’t problematic, or it wasn’t strained, or... yeah, they were just really nice to you.

You can, like I said before, also have photos of other ancestors—providing that, or your great-grandparents—providing that you know that they were good great-grandparents to your grandparents, to your parents.

And you know, Christina had a good point yesterday when she said that it’s interesting for her family that her Opa was really good to her when he wasn’t so good to her parents or that generation. And that’s normal. That’s normal.

It’s like York. His father was very strict—typical father. But with the grandchildren, you’re different. You’re different. And like my dad always said—and also said to York—“I don’t have to discipline my grandchildren. That’s their parents’ job. I can play with them.” He’s the good cop. He doesn’t have to discipline them or anything.

And because you all know York, it’s very strict. “Don’t give the kids this. Don’t let them do this.” And then as soon as he’s gone, the grandparents go, “We do what we want to do.” He said, “Yeah, yeah, yeah.” But as soon as the parent turns their back... then you have your secrets with your grandchildren. “Don’t tell your Papi that we did this.”

And also that’s what my parents did to our kids. But that’s what my dad always said, “I don’t have to discipline my grandchildren. That’s the parents’ job.” And so naturally, the grandparents had a different relationship with the grandchildren. And they didn’t need to be strict with their grandchildren, because their parents... thing.

And so it might be that your grandparents were very strict to your parents and good to you. And that’s normal. What I’m speaking about is if they were harmful to your parents.

If they were... I can use an example of that. I know someone—and I’m very careful—that... and that... was not a very good parent. And a good parent, I mean, she would hit her children or over-force with the children. And she tries to make it up to her children by being extra nice and kind to their grandchildren.

Which, for her children—the parents of their grandchildren—they know that their mother’s only trying to make it right. And so they’re using the kids in a way to show their kids, “Now we also can be good with children. We might not have been good with you, because... blah blah blah blah.” Whatever. But we are still nice people.

It doesn’t make it right. It doesn’t make it right. Because as long as your children are still alive, you can always... when they are old enough, or when you can, you can always apologize. Or always try to. Your apology mightn’t change anything—which it didn’t. The trust is gone.

So you wouldn’t put that—that grandmother, for example—on an altar. Even though she’s good to the grandchildren, but the intention is not completely authentic. That intention was... she’s using the grandchildren to show her own children that she could also be a good man or a good... thing. And so you would not put that grandmother on the altar.

So choose wisely.